The Vampire TXTING Diaries
by Wreckless Righter
Summary: Initially exchanging emails, the Original Hybrid and "The Ripper" Salvatore decide to grasp technology by its horns. A slew of text messages and chaotic antics ensue between the well-known vampires of Mystic Falls. Humor/Crackfic. Klefan. Defan. Klaroline. Koraline. Kalijah. Enter at your own risk. ;)
1. Chapter 1

**THE VAMPIRE [TXTING] DIARIES**

**Rated T (for teens!)  
Disclaimer: **Katie and Dee do not own any Vampire Diaries copyrights. At least not yet. We're working on harassing Julie Plec. ;)

**A/N: **This bit o' crazy fic is a collaborative effort between WrecklessRighter (Dee) and PixieKindofCrazy (Katie). Two fangirls decided to get together and write emails to each other as Klaus and Stefan in order to satisfy their unusual need for what could be called 'Klefan feels'. But, as time went on, the crazy took over and this crackfic was born. In each chapter we'll let you know who was who, although at some points it got a little hectic with character changes. Either way. Hope you enjoy!

**For this chapter, Dee wrote as Klaus and Katie wrote as Stefan.**

**CHAPTER ONE:  
**

* * *

**FROM:** Klaus Mikaelson (different_kind_of_monster)  
**TO:** Stefan Salvatore (ripperyourheartout)

**SUBJECT:** Hello Stefan ;)

For the very last time, _one _voicemail is sufficient in getting my attention. I understand the importance of uncovering this cure for your doppleganger sweetheart, but the time wasted in having to sit through all seven of your brooding meaningless threats could have had us that much closer. Not to mention I find it the slightest bit offensive that all this time I've been gone, not once have you asked how I was. My temporary leave of absence doesn't put our friendship on the backburner, does it, Rippah? ;)

I got word that your current residency is with a certain Ms. Forbes. I'll keep that bit of information in mind for my return...

-Klaus

**[3:17PM]**

* * *

**FROM:** Stefan Salvatore (ripperyourheartout)  
**TO:** Klaus Mikaelson (different_kind_of_monster)

**SUBJECT: **Threesomes and Ponies

And I'll tell YOU for the very last time, a threesome with me and my best friend is not on the list of things I'd like to do this week. For one - thinking about Caroline like that makes me feel very guilty and...no. "Miss Forbes", which is not what she prefers to be called actually and frankly it makes you sound a bit like a pedophile which technically is true. You can quit with the petty little jealousy thing; the big bad hybrid act doesn't really work as well when you leave Caroline romantic notes every other day. And people say I'M weird for writing down my feelings. AND IT IS NOT A DIARY. Sorry, I had season one Damon flashbacks for a second there. But what, no note for me? Am I not "full of light" enough for you? Yeah, I know about that. I'm not sure whether to be jealous or amused, but regardless, I still refuse to use emoticons to express that. So use the imagination you use for your "art".

- The Salvatore you like.

P.S. - Nice ponies.

**[3:59PM]**

* * *

**FROM: **Klaus Mikaelson (different_kind_of_monster)  
**TO: **Stefan Salvatore (ripperyourheartout)

**SUBJECT:** Strange Bedfellows...

...was a figure of speech, mate! I would never subject _Caroline _to such a blasphemous idea, but that you've even thought of it at all is telling. ;)

Remind me to speak to _Caroline _about educating her in the ways of 'privacy'.

I've found your blog, by the way, (not much better than a diary, mate) and I don't appreciate you putting those pictures into the world wide web. Do I have to give you a lesson in privacy too?

The Big Bad Hybrid

P.S. - They are STALLIONS, damn it!

**[5:02PM]**

* * *

**FROM:** Stefan Salvatore (ripperyourheartout)  
**TO:** Klaus Mikaelson (different_kind_of_monster)

**SUBJECT:** Re: Strange Bedfellows...

You're anger in emphasizing what your drawings for Caroline are actually of is a bit worrying, not to mention disturbing; who put's that much work into horses? I know she likes them and all, because her father bought her one when she was little, but sadly it sort of...died after her dad realized he was...homosexual and left her and her mom. So I don't think that's the best reminder for her...And denying the fact that you've thought about it, figure of speech or not, is not going to make those dreams you have go away. Yeah, Nik, you're not the only who can see dreams. And I should warn you before you try to talk to Caroline about any of this; 'educating' Caroline Forbes, or attempting to, is never and will never be a good idea in any way shape or form. You will end up scolded, confused, or frustrated. She doesn't take well to being given explicit directions. AND I THOUGHT I PUT A BLOCK ON MY BLOG, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO FIND IT...sorry, there's my temper that Elena used to force me to hide. So glad that leech has stopped sucking at my life. And please, you were perfectly aware that those pictures were being taken. Your the one that posed for me ;)

-Ripper (...yeah, I've decided to embrace it.)

**[5:44PM]**

* * *

**FROM:** Klaus Mikaelson (different_kind_of_monster)  
**TO:** Stefan Salvatore (ripperyourheartout)

**SUBJECT: **Horses are cool.

"So glad that leech has stopped sucking at my life." - I'll just tuck that one away for safekeeping when you two are back in good graces. ;)

Let me be the judge of how to properly handle Caroline. She's a spitfire, that's for certain, but don't forget who you're talking to my little Ripper. I'm as bad as it gets. ;)

You really think a simple thing as a virtual 'block' will keep me from discovering your deepest darkest secrets? I'm really beginning to get annoyed by how much you underestimate me, Stefan. How long have we known one another? Oh, that's right. You only _just_ got your memory back a short time ago. Whoopsie.

YOU WILL TAKE THOSE PICTURES DOWN, STEFAN OR I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU'VE EVER MET!

- K

**[11:28PM]**

* * *

**Stefan said:  
**It shouldn't take THAT long to  
respond to an email, Klaus.  
**11:30pm**

**Klaus said:  
**Don't sass me.  
I'm still working on  
grasping technology.  
**11:31pm**

**Stefan said:**  
I can see that. Admit it.  
You like my sass. Better  
than boring perfect Stefan.  
**11:32pm**

**Klaus said:**  
It's true. :) So much more  
fun when you're not brooding  
with the squirrels.  
**11:33pm**

**Stefan said**:  
Yeah it's not as satisfying  
complaining when the listener  
can't respond interestingly. I  
hated those blank stares.  
**11:34pm  
**And I mean Elena,  
not the squirrels.  
**11:34pm**

* * *

**FROM:** Stefan Salvatore (ripperyourheartout)  
**TO:** Klaus Mikaelson (different_kind_of_monster )

**SUBJECT:** Even Originals BS

Take that quote and have another one- "My days with Miss Gilbert were a cruel kind of mind numbing torture."- because we both know I won't be within her good graces again for...well ever. I know she's going to continue chasing after my brother like a puppy even after he broke the sire bond and commanded her away. I think he's hiding in San Francisco right now or that's what I got from his last postcard.

And please, I don't want to know how you "handle" Caroline; I've already told you-thinking about my friend in that context, for lack of any better phrase, gives me the creeps. I will give you one thing though- last week when you calmed her down from her tantrum about Matt and Bekah...how did you manage that, Nik? You know what, I think it's best for all if I don't know just what tricks you used.

I didn't believe the blocks would succeed, but I can hope, can't I? I still don't understand your amusement with perpetually bringing up how YOU WIPED OUR FRIENDSHIP FROM MY MEMORY. Which is why I say- I will not take those pictures down and you will stop threatening me with murders I know you won't commit ("Miss Forbes" does look down on mass murder you know) or I will give Caroline that letter you almost sent her. You know, the one I found in the trash can by your bed that you never intended for her to read.

After all, I did learn SOMETHING from being your friend all that time, Big Bad.

-The one calling your bullshit.

**[12:15AM]**

* * *

**Stefan said:  
**Responded to your email, Nik.  
**12:32am**

**Klaus said:**  
Quck. I like it. ;)  
**12:33am**

**Stefan said:**  
...I can't respond to that without  
being rude or inappropriate, or both.  
**12:34am**

**Klaus said:**  
Don't be fresh, Stefan.  
**12:33am**

**Stefan said:**  
You're not.  
**12:34am**

**Klaus said:  
**Not what?  
**12:42am**

**Stefan said:  
**Quick enough.  
**12:43am**

**Klaus said:  
**There are other matters currently  
taking precedence. But I can appreciate  
your impatience to hear from me. ;)  
**12:44am**

**Stefan said:  
**Don't flatter yourself, Klaus.  
It's incredibly one sided at this point.  
Unless you want to enlist Caroline  
to start stroking your ego.  
**12:46am  
**And if you were busy you wouldn't  
have been able to answer the text.  
**12:47am**

**Klaus said:  
**Not my ego, mate. ;)  
**12:48am  
**Perhaps I just like seeing you wait.  
**12:49am**

**Stefan said:  
**See, I knew you'd say that. But I sorta  
like setting you up to make gross jokes.  
Kind of like I have the control.  
**12:53  
**And for the last time, stop denying your  
love of my sass. Also, where the hell did  
you pick up slang like 'fresh' from, Grandpa?  
**12:54am**

**Klaus said:  
**I never denied it.  
I welcome it with open arms.  
Reminds me of the good ol days...  
**12:56am  
**Oh don't mock my speech.  
I don't pick at your grammatical  
inadequacy in your emails.  
**12:57am**

**Stefan said:  
**Which you kindly didn't let ME remember.  
**12:58am**

**Klaus said:  
**Are you going to hold that  
against me for the rest of eternity?  
You're worse than Kol.  
**12:59am**

**Stefan said:  
**Are you implying you're gonna keep me around  
for the rest of eternity?  
**1:03am  
**And, yeah you do point out my grammatical  
errors. And any other errors you can find.  
Wouldn't expect you to understand most  
of them are caused by this idiotic feature  
called 'autocorrect'.  
**1:04am**

**Klaus said:**  
I'm going to drive now and I'd prefer  
not to dent the vintage because I had  
to hear more of your sass. Try not to  
rip anyone out of impatience. ;)  
**1:06am**

**Stefan said:  
**The vintage in this case being you.  
**1:06am**

**Klaus said:  
**Stefan...  
**1:07am**

**Stefan said:  
**Yes buddy?  
**1:07**

**Klaus said:  
**Thin line, my friend. Tip: Don't walk it.  
**1:10am  
**Rebekah, sweetheart...  
I know you took my car out again.  
You left your Taylor Swift CD in the player.  
**1:19am  
**..Sorry that was meant to go to my sister.  
**1:20am**

**Stefan said:  
**Yeah somehow I puzzled that one out.  
And that CD's not Rebekah's. It's Caroline's.  
I may have snuck your keys and 'lent' them to her.  
But with your incubation with my friend,  
I didn't think you'd mind?  
**1:21am**

**Klaus said:  
**Wonderful. Gives me a valid reason to  
say hello when I get back to town. :)  
**1:22am  
**My...incubation?  
**1:23am**

**Stefan said:  
**Infatuation. I really need to get  
Caroline to turn autocorrect off.  
It's starting to make me want to  
rip into someone's throat again.  
**1:26am**

**Klaus said:  
**Why not find someone else?  
Or figure it out for yourself?  
She's your friend, not your "fix-it" girl.  
**1:27am**

**Stefan said:  
**I put up with a lot from you Klaus,  
but don't assume you know anything  
about my friendship with Caroline.  
I'd fall on a stake for her and hopefully  
her for me. So if we ask each other favors  
now and the it's not a big deal.  
**1:30am  
**Besides, no one else in this town seems to  
understand this century's technology better.  
**1:30am**

**Klaus said:  
**So defensive... :)  
**1:31am**

**Stefan said:  
**Yes.  
**1:34am  
**I'm assuming you have a point.  
You usually have a point.  
**1:36am**

**Klaus said:  
**Let's just say I'm glad to see  
that Caroline is in good hands  
in my absence...  
**1:37am  
**And we'll leave it at that.  
**1:37am**

**Stefan said:  
**...I don't say this often but I'm going  
to go modern to get this across:  
"Dude, no. Just no."  
You don't get to assume Caroline is yours  
or that I would dutifully watch over her  
because YOU told me to. I watch out for her  
because she's my friend not because she's  
your crush, you arrogant prick.  
**1:38am**

**Klaus said:  
**Oh Stefan, you thoroughly amuse me.  
**1:40am  
**I meant nothing by it. I was simply  
congratulating you on your loyalty.  
I take comfort in knowing someone  
will look after her when I cannot, not  
implying you're doing so in my place.  
**1:44am  
**Go feed, mate.  
You're a little too defensive  
tonight and I'm about at my  
limit with your attitude.  
**1:45am**

**Stefan said:  
**Did you ever think I was being  
defensive on purpose because I'm  
aware that my attitude messes with  
you? I knew you meant nothing by it.  
I was just playing the game. When are  
you going to realize that I learned this  
from you?  
**1:52am**

**Klaus said:  
**Even through text messaging you're as  
readable as a book.  
**1:54am**

**Stefan said:  
**Yes, reading IS generally what you do  
with the texts.  
**1:56am**

**Klaus said:**  
You can play the game, Stefan.  
But don't be so naïve as to think  
you could actually win.  
**2:00am  
**I'm always at least three steps ahead.  
Remember that.  
**2:00am**

**Stefan said:  
**Wasn't trying to win. I'm merely the  
distraction tonight.  
**2:01am**

**Klaus said:  
**WHAT did you do now, Stefan?  
**2:04am  
**Don't toy with me Stefan!  
**2:06am**

**Stefan said:  
**You'll find out by morning.  
**2:07am  
**Goodnight Nik.  
**2:07am  
**Caroline would say the same,  
but she's...out right now. ;)  
**2:07am**


	2. Chapter 2

**Lilinss - **Yes, there are definitely a lot of other characters showing up in the upcoming chapters. ;)

* * *

Whee! Glad everyone is having a grand ol' time laughing at our/their antics. Katie and I definitely enjoy the enthusiasm and thank you wholeheartedly for reviewing, favoriting, following, and all that good stuff! Onward to the next chapter of the saga!

_Who's Who: _Dee = **Klaus** and Katie = **Stefan**

Just a short FYI - the emails magically drifted away and this just became full blown texting conversations.

* * *

**Chapter 2: THE NEXT MORNING...**

**Klaus said:  
**Sorry to tell you the plan you  
concocted fell through, mate.  
My brother lies daggered on  
the floor, once more.  
**8:12am**

**Stefan said:**  
Not me. She.  
**8:15am**

**Klaus said:  
**...She who?  
**8:16am**

**Stefan said:  
**Caroline may or may not  
have snuck Kol's number off your  
phone and told him where you keep  
your...private drawings and writings...  
**8:17am  
**Oh. And white oak daggers, did I  
mention that? Yeah, Kol seemed  
pretty happy to have one. I think  
he said something about "giving Nik  
a taste of his own medicine."  
**8:18am**

**Klaus said:  
**Consider yourself written off.  
**8:20am**

**Stefan said:  
**If you'd wanted to kill me you would have  
the first time I sassed you. Besides,  
Caroline's the perpetrator of this little plan  
and I doubt you'd punish her for it.  
**8:22am**

**Klaus said:  
**Undoubtedly inspired by that  
lecherous boyfriend of hers...  
**8:23am  
**You want to play the game Stefan?  
Very well. They've just begun. ;)  
**8:24am  
**Not even Caroline Forbes  
will go unscathed this time.  
**8:24am**

**Stefan said:  
**Not even if I let you in on a little secret?  
Caroline's 'leech' has run out of town.  
Some plan about keeping you from siring  
anymore hybrids. Anyway, she dumped him.  
Thought you'd like to know.  
**8:25am**

**Klaus said:  
**Duly noted.  
**8:35am**

**Stefan said:  
**...So if you don't tell me otherwise  
I'm going to assume you're doing a  
happy dance because it's a very  
amusing image.  
**8:38am**

**Klaus said:  
**Well. You know what they say  
about assuming.  
**8:41am**

**Stefan said:  
**You know what I think about listening.  
**8:45am**

**Klaus said:  
**Enough pretending you didn't just aid  
in stabbing me in the back. Again.  
Actually, come to think of it,  
last time you had the decency  
to betray me to my face.  
**8:55am**

**Stefan said:  
**I didn't tell him to stab you, or where to,  
for that matter. That was Kol's choice.  
Besides, we told him they were White Oak.  
Doesn't mean they actually were. I don't  
have a problem with you getting stabbed,  
but I'm not a horrible enough friend to let  
your own brother kill you. C'mon.  
**8:57am**

**Klaus said:  
**As I recall it was you who enlisted the  
help of Elijah to kill me not once, but  
twice before. So you can stop patting  
yourself on the back, *friend*.  
**9:03am**

**Stefan said:  
**Don't be so sensitive.  
**9:07am**

* * *

**FROM: **Klaus Mikaelson (different_kind_of_monster )  
**TO: **Stefan Salvatore (ripperyourheartout )

**SUBJECT: **A little thing called 'karma' goes a long way. ;)

I hope you don't mind I borrowed a few things while you were showering. Just as a reminder that I _always_ win, Stefan.

-Klaus

P.S. Nice 'do. ;)

**[10:45AM]**

* * *

**Klaus said:  
**Afternoon, Stefan. Thought I'd check in  
and see how you're holding up today.  
Not still cooped up in the house with  
Caroline, are you? It's just hair... ;)  
**2:11pm**

**Stefan said:  
**What did you do with my mousse, Klaus!?  
**2:14pm**

**Klaus said:  
**;)  
**2:15pm**

**Stefan said:  
**Caroline keeps saying I look  
3 inches shorter...  
**2:16pm  
**You know she also said she's not  
happy with you for turning her best  
friend into a flat headed freak. I  
think she also mentioned something  
like 'rescinding that surprise' she had  
for you.  
**2:15pm  
**Yep.  
**2:16pm  
**Suck it.  
**2:16pm  
**Because she won't be tonight ;)  
**2:16pm**

**Klaus said:  
**You can let her know if she keeps  
threatening me she will never get  
her daylight ring back.  
**2:17pm**

**Stefan said:  
**You would let her burn? Klaus it's  
been cloudy and she hasn't realized  
she doesn't have it! She went to school!  
The clouds are gonna clear soon!  
**2:19pm**

**Klaus said:  
**Guess you'll have to  
venture outside after all ;)  
**2:20pm**

**Stefan said:  
**I texted her. See? Technology IS helpful.  
**2:21pm  
**She's running to your place now.  
Didn't sound too happy with you.  
**2:22pm**

**Klaus said:  
**You played your part perfectly,  
thank you. I'll speak to you when  
I'm through with her.  
**2:24pm  
**May take a while... ;)  
**2:24pm**

**Stefan said:  
**I'm sure it will. What with  
her fist being in your face.  
**2:27pm**

**Klaus said:  
**Never underestimate the  
powers of persuasion, mate.  
**2:28pm**

**Stefan said:  
**Never underestimate  
Caroline Forbes' temper.  
**2:30pm**

**Klaus said:  
**Trust me. Her anger will be long  
forgotten in a matter of minutes.  
**2:32  
**You see, there is this one spot...  
**2:33  
**And, with the proper caress  
**2:33  
**Well, maybe not caress exactly...  
**2:34**

**Stefan said:  
**How many times have I told you  
that I do NOT want to know about  
what you two do in your private time?  
**2:35pm**

**Klaus said:  
**Jealousy is the dragon in paradise.  
**2:40pm**

**Stefan said:  
**Is that another one of your  
ancient old man phrases that  
no one but you gets?  
**2:41pm**

**Klaus said:  
**Gotta run. There's a beautiful  
blonde on my stoop attempting  
to break down my door.  
**2:44pm  
**You should really get some air, Stefan.  
Don't want to look too...flat. :)  
**2:44pm**

**Stefan said:  
**I will stake you in the face.  
**2:45pm**

* * *

**LATER...**

**Klaus said:  
**Stefan I'm going to the store briefly.  
Do you need anything? :P  
**9:34pm**

**Stefan said:  
**For you to stop giving me  
over detailed descriptions of you  
and Caroline's private time.  
**9:35pm  
**And eggs. I'm out.  
**9:35pm  
**Oops I don't eat eggs – vampire. I forgot.  
B positive please.  
**9:36pm**

**Klaus said:  
**I'm always positive mate. ;)  
**9:39pm**

**Stefan said:  
**But you're not funny tho.  
**9:42pm**

**Klaus said:  
**No mousse? ;)  
**9:42pm**

**Stefan said:**  
No thank you – I stole Elijah's  
and told him you did it. ;)  
Before you get mad,  
remember you like my sass.  
**9:44pm  
**And my something else that  
rhymes with sass.  
**9:44pm**

**Klaus said:  
**No wonder he looked weird today...  
**9:46pm**

**Stefan said:  
**I know right? It was sort of hilarious.  
**9:47pm**

**Klaus said:  
**Tried to beat me again though.  
Not appreciated, that.  
**9:48pm**

**Stefan said:  
**Beat you with what?  
**9:48pm**

**Klaus said:  
**His fists. I keep telling Elijah,  
violence is not the way to solve  
his problems. It only solves mine.  
But does he listen?  
**9:49pm**

**Stefan said:  
**So that's where you  
learned it from.  
**9:51**

**Klaus said:  
**Ha. Ha.  
**9:52pm  
**You're just a barrel of  
laughs tonight.  
**9:52pm**

**Stefan said:  
**Funny. Somehow I know  
you're not amused.  
**9:53pm**

**Klaus said:  
**Ah. Well. I'm in a good mood  
tonight so I won't try to kill you.  
**9:54pm**

**Stefan said:  
**No. Please. Try.  
**9:54pm**

**Klaus said:  
**Kol they don't have Scooby Doo  
fruit snacks. You'll have to make  
do with Spongebob.  
**9:59pm**

**Stefan said:  
**Hahahahahahahaha!  
I'm forwarding that text to  
everyone in my phone.  
Sorry Kol...  
**10:00pm**

**Klaus said:  
**Ugh this incessant cell phone!  
**10:01pm**

**Stefan said:  
**I know how you feel. Autocorrect.  
Damn this century, right?  
**10:02pm**

**Klaus said:  
**Shouldn't you be busy  
entertaining Caroline?  
**10:05pm**

**Stefan said:  
**I thought 'entertaining'  
Caroline was your job.  
**10:06pm**

**Klaus said:  
**It was a long afternoon... And  
as much as I'd love to ravage  
her body some more, there are  
things to be done.  
**10:09pm**

**Stefan said:  
**I shouldn't have mentioned it.  
**10:10pm  
**Wait what things? You being  
ominous never turns out well for me.  
**10:12pm**

**Klaus said:  
**All in good time, Stefan.  
All in good time. ;)  
**10:15pm**

**Stefan said:  
**No. Not good. Your plans  
are never good for me.  
**10:16pm**

**Klaus said:  
**Seriously this woman does not  
understand the concept of bagging.  
Heavy on the bottom, light on top.  
I should've just snapped her neck...  
**10:27pm**

**Stefan said:  
**Klaus you know you can't deal  
with your issues like that. You'd  
have to compel all the witnesses  
again. Have you checked out that  
anger management class I looked  
up for you?  
**10:30pm**

**Klaus said:  
**As a matter of fact I did.  
**10:32pm  
**They were a tasty bunch.  
**10:32pm**

**Stefan said:  
**That was not the purpose!  
Why do I bother with you?  
**10:33pm**

**Klaus said:  
**Oh come on. You love it too.  
**10:34pm  
**Rrrrrrippahhhh!  
**10:34pm**

**Stefan:  
**Your accent doesn't work on me.  
It's only a panty dropper if I was  
female. *unamused*  
**10:35pm**

**Klaus said:  
**Then stop bloody acting like one  
**10:36pm**

**Stefan said:  
**...what?  
**10:37pm  
**That's it. I'm out of this conversation.  
**10:37pm**

**Klaus said:  
**There she goes.  
Running away again.  
**10:38pm  
**lol poor Stefan.  
**10:39pm  
**Must be that time of the  
month again, huh, mate?  
**10:40pm  
**[PIC – "Tampax Pearl" tampons]  
Here. I got these for you.  
Supposed to be super absorbent. ;)  
**10:42pm  
**Stefannnn. Stop being broody Stefannnn!  
**10:44pm**

**Stefan said:  
**I'm not brooding. And I'm not hurt  
or whatever you're assuming. I just  
refuse to talk to you when you act  
like an adolescent human.  
**10:45pm**

**Klaus said:  
**Really? That's the best you've got?  
**10:46pm**

**Stefan said:  
**Petulant little Nikky!  
**10:47pm**

**Klaus said:  
**Hold on. Caroline is calling.  
**10:47pm  
**Still bad form, by the way..  
**10:47pm  
**Oh you're one talk about childish!  
Crying to Caroline that I'm picking  
on you?  
**10:53pm  
**Perfect. I have to listen to  
an earful of THAT later.  
Thanks, so much.  
**10:53pm**

**Stefan said:  
**I did not. She just stole my  
phone and read my texts  
while I was in the other room.  
**10:55**

**Klaus said:  
**I could tell you what she  
calls me in the sack. ;)  
**10:56pm**

**Stefan said:  
**Why would you want to tell me that?  
**10:56pm**

**Klaus said:  
**To make you squirm.  
**10:57pm**

**Stefan said:  
**Successful.  
**10:58pm  
**Now go away.  
**10:58pm**


	3. Chapter 3

**Authors' Note: **

Yaaaay! Glad you guys likey! Thank you all for reading, reviewing, favoriting, following and generally just laughing at the crap that comes out of our brains.  
And for those of you dying for Caroline to show up, don't worry. Soon you won't be able to get rid of her! :P

Sorry for the delay in updates. Getting these all typed up from my phone and formatted and time stamped is a bitch. So this chapter is kind of just a bunch of randoms thrown together. Somehow later on there grew a plot and Klaroline took over so we hope no one will be upset once the shipper takeover ensues. =P

_**Character Map**_  
_Klaus = written by Dee_  
_Stefan/Caroline = written by Katie_

* * *

Chapter 3

**Klaus said  
**PIC [Stefan with a mustache and unibrow drawn on]  
Playing with a new drawing Application.  
**4:36pm**

**Stefan said:  
**Ha ha ha. You're so funny.  
**4:38pm**

**Klaus said:  
**Somehow I feel you're not amused :P  
**4:39pm**

**Stefan said: **  
Oh reeeaaally?  
**4:39pm**

**Klaus said:**  
Relax, mate. I'll send  
over a nice leggy brunnette  
to take your troubles away. ;)  
**4:40pm**

**Stefan said:  
**I think I'm over my brunette  
phase actually brother. Redhead?  
I know you have connections. ;)  
**4:41pm**

**Klaus said:  
**;) More than happy to oblige Rippah.  
**4:42pm**

**Stefan said:  
**God Stefan's so mopey.  
Stop picking on him Nik.  
**4:50pm**

**Klaus said:  
**…  
**4:51pm**

**Stefan said:**  
He didn't even help me study  
for my history test yesterday  
and he lived through it!  
**4:51pm  
**I should've just made you help  
me seeing as you're like a billion.  
**4:52pm**

**Klaus said:  
**You know stealing peoples'  
phones is a bit rude, love. ;)  
**4:55pm**

**Stefan said:  
**He's the one that doesn't  
put a lock on his phone. Is it stealing  
if it was left out in the open unsecured?  
**4:55pm  
**Ok yeah it is stealing but it's not my fault.  
**4:56pm  
**Ok it is my fault but I don't really care  
because you know what's not my fault?  
His mood. He just got dumped and you  
decide now is a good time to tease him?  
Ugh. Klaus, seriously sometimes,  
why do I put up with you?  
**4:56pm  
**Ok I just reread all that and  
sorry for the ranting tendencies.  
**4:58pm**

**Klaus said:  
**Oh I think we could find a few reasons  
you put up with me, sweetheart. ;)  
**4:59pm  
**No need to apologize, I'm  
used to it by now.  
**4:59pm**

**Stefan said:  
**You're not scoring yourself  
any points here mister.  
**5:00pm  
**And you still haven't promised  
to let up on Stef.  
**5:00pm**

**Klaus said: **  
Well when "Stef" decides to stop  
sassing me with backtalk the perhaps  
I'll be more inclined to ease up.  
**5:01pm**

**Stefan said:  
**Oh come on you know that's  
just how he is. You two are just  
becoming friends again. Don't ruin it.  
**5:01pm  
**And I thought you liked sass? Or it  
always seems that way with me. ;)  
Considering last time I backsassed you  
you pinned me against a wall...  
**5:02pm**

**Klaus said:  
**You're a completely different  
story altogether, love.  
**5:02pm  
**I tolerate Stefan. I enjoy you. ;)  
**5:03pm**

**Stefan said:  
**I'm gonna kill her! Honestly this time.  
Or ask her how to lock my phone...  
**5:05pm**

**Klaus said:  
**And he returns...  
**5:05pm**

**Stefan said:  
**And I really don't appreciate how you two  
talk about me. I feel like the child in a divorce  
or something except more adult details that  
I don't want to know.  
**5:06pm**

**Klaus said:  
**Again with the killing your  
best friend tendencies...Tsk.  
**5:07pm**

**Stefan said:  
**It's a figure of speech, Klaus.  
**5:07pm**

**Klaus said:  
**Not for you it isn't...  
**5:08pm**

**Stefan said:  
**Unlike some people, I don't  
actually kill anyone who upsets me.  
**5:08pm**

**Klaus said:  
**Oh but it's certainly not for  
your lack of TRYING.  
**5:09pm**

**Stefan said:  
**And really? Tolerate? I thought we  
were becoming friends again. After you  
erased my memory. Still can't decide  
when I'm going to punch you for that.  
**5:09**

**Klaus said:  
**Seriously are you ever going to let that go?  
**5:10pm**

**Stefan said:  
**Maybe when you actually apologize  
and mean it. Or idk let me stake you  
a couple times?  
**5:11pm  
**Okay that was a joke.  
**5:16  
**Hello?  
**5:18pm**

* * *

**Klaus said:**  
Do you ever answer your phone?  
**12:17pm  
**I need your assistance.  
**12:18pm**

**Stefan said:  
**With what?  
**12:19pm**

**Klaus said:  
**This whole YouTube thing.  
Completely lost on me.  
**12:20pm**

**Stefan:  
**Right. I forgot you refuse to learn  
this century's technology. It's basically  
a website where millions of people post  
videos about anything and everything.  
**12:21pm**

**Klaus said:  
**For what purpose?  
**12:21pm  
**And for your information I have  
successfully grasped texting and  
emailing, thank you.  
**12:22pm**

**Stefan said:  
**Entertainment. Sharing.  
Expressing yourself. Ask Caroline,  
he's the one with an account on it.  
**12:23pm**

**Klaus said:  
**Hmmm. So say I have some  
particular videos...  
**12:24pm  
**How would I go about putting them  
on this You Tube?  
**12:24pm**

**Stefan said:  
**First of all, it's a PUBLIC site.  
Everyone sees what you put up.  
**12:25pm  
**Secondly, it's checked so if it's  
INAPPROPRIATE it might get taken down.  
**12:25pm  
**But I think you make an account and  
follow the steps they give to upload  
it from your computer.  
**12:26pm  
**You do know what upload means, right?  
**12:26pm**

**Klaus said:  
**I enjoy your usage of capitals to  
emphasize. Very effective. :P  
**12:26pm  
**And yes, Stefan. I know what  
upload means. I'm not entirely  
helpless on a computer.  
**12:27pm  
**By the way, have you checked  
your blog today? ;)  
**12:27pm**

**Stefan said:  
**...No. Why?  
**12:29pm**

**Klaus said:  
**Just curious.  
**12:31pm**

**Stefan said:**  
What did you do? And how'd  
you even find Tumblr?  
**12:32pm**

**Klaus said:  
**You learn a lot when you've  
got nothing but time, mate.  
**12:32pm  
**You certainly do like a lot of  
those gay pride posts, don't you? ;)  
**12:33pm**

**Stefan said:  
**What'd you do? I don't see  
anything different...  
**12:34pm  
**WHAT?! What'd you do?  
Did you hack my blog?  
**12:34pm**

**Klaus said:  
**Look at your url.  
**12:35pm**

**Stefan said:  
**Gayfangbanger69? Really?!  
That's just unoriginal!  
**12:37pm**

**Klaus said:  
**Which is why it suits you.  
**12:38pm**

**Stefan said:  
**I'm just changing it back  
you know. It's not a big deal.  
**12:42pm**

**Klaus said:  
**Oh but look how many followers  
it got you? The entire gay community  
is your biggest fan :)  
**12:43pm**

**Stefan said:  
**I'm not homophobic or anything  
but I'm not really pleased that 20  
gay guys are stalking me now!  
Why'd you post a pic of me shirtless?  
And how'd you even get it?!  
**12:45pm**

**Klaus said:  
**There are ways. And then there are 'ways'. ;)  
**12:46pm**

**Stefan said:  
**Your winky faces are  
only cute to Caroline.  
Don't wink at me.  
**12:46pm**

**Klaus said:  
**With your newfound identity  
I'd think you'd enjoy it. ;) ;) ;)  
**12:47pm**

**Stefan said:  
**The identity you made for me  
and put up! That's fraud you know?  
**12:49pm**

**Klaus said:  
**Well, when you're a master  
of identity theft... :)  
**12:50pm**

* * *

**Stefan said:  
**It's not letting me watch for  
free anymore.  
**11:23pm**

**Klaus said:  
**Yes, porn channels tend to do  
that at times. I believe that's the  
whole gimmick of free trials.  
**11:25pm  
**Not very prudent to be watching  
in your best friend's residence though.  
Raking up her bills, and all...  
**11:26pm**

**Stefan said:  
**La di da.  
**11:28pm**

**Klaus said:  
**Was it good for you? :P  
**11:29pm**

**Stefan said:  
**Don't go there Klaus.  
**11:31pm**

**Klaus said:  
**Party pooper...  
**11:33pm**

* * *

**Stefan said:  
**Hello Klaus.  
**1:27pm**

**Klaus said:  
**Stefan. To what do I owe  
this disruption of my day?  
**1:29pm**

**Stefan said:  
**Boredom. Delirium. You being  
the only one who could maybe  
get Caroline to stop singing  
Call Me Maybe. Please.  
Come help immediately.  
**1:30pm**

**Klaus said:  
**Hey I just killed you  
**1:31pm**

**Stefan said:  
**...what?  
**1:32pm**

**Klaus said:  
**And this is crazy  
**1:32pm**

**Stefan said:  
**No!  
**1:33pm**

**Klaus said:  
**Now you're a hybrid  
**1:33pm  
**So serve me maybe ;)  
**1:33pm**

**Stefan said:  
**Sorry. Can't. Not a wolf.  
**1:34pm**

**Klaus said:  
**You're a real buzz kill, mate.  
**1:35pm**

**Stefan said:  
**You're a real ass there  
sometimes, brother.  
**1:36pm**

**Klaus said:  
**It's a catchy song.  
**1:36pm**

**Stefan said:  
**I'd appreciate it if you'd stop picking  
up Caroline's sense of humor.  
**1:37pm**

**Klaus said:  
**Well if you'd rather I pick up  
something else of hers...  
**1:38pm**

**Stefan said:  
**Dude. Go away.  
**1:39pm  
**Caroline! Stop! I can hear you  
from downstairs! I'll tell Nik what  
you said about him last night if  
you don't stop!  
**1:42pm  
**...shit. Who did I send that to?  
**1:43pm**

**Klaus** **said:  
**Well don't just leave me  
hanging in suspense.  
**1:45pm  
**I'd be very interested  
to hear what she said.  
**1:45pm**

**Stefan said:  
**No. I don't enjoy Caroline going  
vamp and ripping my ear off.  
**1:46pm**

**Klaus said:  
**What? Can't handle a baby vamp?  
**1:47pm  
**I'll come over there and compel  
you again if I have to.  
**1:48pm**

**Stefan said:  
**Why don't you just persuade Caroline?  
**1:49pm  
**Maybe then she'll shut up...  
**1:49pm**

**Klaus said:  
**Apologies for the delay.  
More important matters to handle.  
**2:02pm**

Now where were we...

**2:02pm**

**Stefan said:  
**I was attempting to get you to  
simultaneously shut up and get  
your girlfriend to shut up.  
**2:03pm**

**Klaus said:  
**And failed on both  
accounts, I assume.  
**2:04pm**

**Stefan said:  
**Take her away. Now.  
**2:04pm**

**Klaus said:  
**You know I gladly would  
but unfortunately for us  
both, I'm not in town.  
**2:06pm**

**Stefan said:  
**I'm not going to ask where  
you went because frankly,  
unless it concerns me directly,  
I don't care.  
**2:07pm**

**Klaus said:  
**Oh but you should. It'll  
greatly affect you. Later.  
**2:08pm**

**Stefan said:  
**Klaus?  
**2:12pm**

**Klaus said:  
**Stefan.  
**2:17pm**

**Stefan said:  
**What are you doing?  
**2:18pm**

**Klaus said:  
**What are YOU doing?  
**2:20pm**

**Stefan said:  
**Affect me how Niklaus?  
**2:22pm  
**Klaus!  
**2:27pm**

**Klaus said:  
**You'll see.  
**2:34pm  
**Duty calls. Have a  
good night Stefan. ;)  
**2:35pm**

**Stefan said:  
**Klaus!  
**2:36pm**


	4. Chapter 4

**Authors' Note:**

_Continuously thanking and loving each and every reader/reviewer/follower/favoriter. Your welcome for the laughs. We love you!_

_Erm, slight warning. Things get a little heated this chapter... We're calling it "Plot Twist!". ;)_

*Character Map*  
**Klaus (Kol)** - written by _Dee_  
**Stefan (Caroline)** - written by _Katie_**  
**

* * *

Chapter 4

**Klaus said:  
**Oh Steffypoo...  
I miss you, my darling.  
Come rub my feet?  
**6:22pm**

**Stefan said:  
**...Go away Kol.  
**6:23pm**

**Klaus said:  
**Seeing as you can't  
physically make me...No.  
**6:24pm  
**How's my favorite blonde  
minx holding up there?  
**6:25pm**

**Stefan said:  
**I can however stop answering  
my phosjkleskjflkscaijdfnl  
**6:26pm  
**KOL! Stop hitting on me  
behind my back!  
**6:27pm**

**Klaus said:  
**You?! Are you mad?  
I meant Caroline!  
**6:28pm**

**Stefan said:  
**This IS Caroline.  
I steal Stefan's phone,  
it's a thing I do.  
**6:29pm**

**Klaus said:  
**Oooh. Hello Darling.  
Picking up my bad  
habits, I see. I like it. ;)  
**6:29pm**

**Stefan said:**  
1) I did that before you came to town  
2) Tell Klaus he's in trouble  
**6:30pm**

**Klaus said:  
**Ooh Nik's in trouble now...  
Talk more dirty to me!  
**6:30pm**

**Stefan said:  
**Want me to castrate you?  
If you keep hitting on me,  
it will happen.  
**6:31pm**

**Klaus said:  
**I like pretty things  
with sharp tongues,  
remember?  
**6:31pm**

**Stefan said:  
**And even sharper knives?  
**6:31pm**

**Klaus said:  
**Talk is cheap.  
**6:32pm**

**Stefan said:  
**So are you.  
**6:32pm**

**Klaus said:  
**Ouch. That almost hurt.  
**6:33pm**

**Stefan said:  
**Ouch. I almost care.  
**6:33pm**

**Klaus said:  
**Are you absolutely certain  
you chose the right brother?  
**6:35pm**

**Stefan said:  
**Positive.  
**6:35pm**

**Klaus said:  
**Pity. I'm so much  
more fun than Nik.  
******6:36pm**

**Stefan said:  
**Oh trust me. I had plenty  
of fun with your BIGGER  
brother last night.  
******6:36pm**

**Klaus said:  
**Well thank you for the  
vote of confidence, love. ;)  
******6:38pm**

**Stefan said:  
**Oh. Hi Klaus.  
**6:38pm  
**Wait! You're in trouble!  
**6:39pm**

**Klaus said:  
**Apologies for Kol's intrusion.  
He has a nasty habit of  
stealing phones when their  
owner isn't looking.  
**6:40pm  
**Come to think of it, it  
seems vaguely familiar...  
**6:41pm**

**Stefan said:  
**Stop trying to turn this  
around on me Nik!  
**6:41pm**

**Klaus said:  
**What did I do now?  
**6:41pm**

**Stefan said:  
**You know what you did.  
You...took all my underwear!  
Give them back!  
**6:43pm**

**Klaus said:  
**When in the world would I find  
the time to sneak into your house  
and pull that kind of prank?  
**6:44pm  
**And more importantly what makes  
you think I'd stoop so low?  
**6:44pm**

**Stefan said:  
**Wait...if you didn't take them then  
who has my panties Klaus?!  
**6:46pm**

**Klaus said:  
**You have a semi-stable vampire  
on the rebound temporarily living  
in your abode. Did the thought not  
cross your mind?  
**6:47pm**

**Stefan said:  
**No and you know why not, Klaus?  
Because, as I've told you maybe  
a million times, Stefan doesn't  
like me like that! He never has!  
**6:47pm  
**The one time he went to the lake  
with me, he never broke eye contact  
and I was in a freakin bikini! He didn't  
look once, Klaus! Actually...I was a little  
offended at the time...  
**6:48pm  
**So the jealousy bit is  
getting really old ok?  
**6:48pm**

**Klaus said:  
**You went to the lake with Stefan?  
Why was I not informed of this?  
**6:49pm**

**Stefan said:  
**Hold on...I saw Kol leaving  
my house yesterday...  
**6:51pm**

**Klaus said:  
**Kol has never been invited in.  
Don't change the subject.  
**6:51pm**

**Stefan said:  
**Omg! It was before I met you!  
I just told you – he  
didn't even LOOK at me!  
And I'm not lying! I saw Kol.  
Someone must have let him in.  
Kill your brother for stealing my  
underwear instead of being mad  
at me for hanging out with my FRIEND!  
**6:53pm**

**Klaus said:  
**He says he didn't take them. How  
revealing of a bikini was this?  
**6:53pm**

**Stefan said:  
**He's a liar Klaus! I saw him!  
**6:54pm**

**Klaus said:  
**I think you're a little  
delusional. I wasn't there.  
**6:54pm  
**He*  
**6:54pm  
**So about this bikini...**  
****6:55pm**

**Stefan said:  
**...Kol, I'm warning you. Give me  
my panties back or I WILL stake  
you in the balls. I swear to God.  
**6:56pm**

**Klaus said:  
**Bahahaha you have to admit  
my Nik imitation was spot on.  
**6:57pm**

**Stefan said:  
**I'll give you that.  
**6:57pm**

**Klaus said:  
**What else will you give me?  
**6:57pm**

**Stefan said:  
**Nothing. At all. Besides  
appropriate conversation.  
**6:58pm**

**Klaus said:  
**:'(  
**6:58pm  
**By the way, I really didn't take  
your panties. But I wish I had  
thought of it.  
**6:59pm**

**Stefan said:  
**Then who the hell did?  
**7:00pm**

**Klaus said:  
**Let me know when you find out  
who did so I can buy them a drink!  
**7:01pm**

**Stefan said:  
**Ok that conversation offer  
is being rescinded.  
**7:02pm**

**Klaus said:  
**D'aww. You're breaking  
my heart darling. We were  
just making progress.  
**7:02pm  
**And you STILL didn't answer my  
bikini question. For that matter,  
what color was it?  
**7:02pm**

**Stefan said:  
**Blue ;)  
**7:04pm**

**Klaus said:  
**Picture? :)  
**7:05pm**

**Stefan said:  
**Not a chance.  
**7:07pm**

**Klaus said:  
**I thought not. You're  
too much a prude.  
**7:07pm**

**Stefan said:  
**I'm too much your brother's  
girlfriend. And not a whore.  
**7:08pm**

**Klaus said:  
**Not according to Damon,  
Matt, and Tyler Lockwood...  
**7:08pm**

**Stefan said:  
**[PIC]  
But here's one of Elena so Elijah  
will kill you for having a picture of  
his crush on your phone.  
**7:09pm  
**How would he know?  
I might have tipped him off. ;)  
**7:09pm  
**You know I'm learning some  
things from hanging around Klaus.  
**7:09pm  
**But the one she's wearing  
in that is mine btw ;)  
**7:10pm**

**Klaus said:  
**Nik's phone, remember? You just  
got your boyfriend in trouble.  
**7:11pm  
**I'm off to my room to envision that  
bikini on YOU, then.  
**7:11pm  
**Or maybe off... :P  
**7:12pm**

**Stefan said:  
**Hahaha you think I didn't think ahead?!  
I sent it to your number too.  
**7:12pm**

**Klaus said:**  
Big deal. I'll just delete it.  
**7:13pm**

**Stefan said:**  
Except I told Nik yesterday that if you  
stole his phone again to immediately find  
yours and set a photo lock on your cell.  
**7:14pm  
**I win.  
**7:14pm**

**Klaus said:  
**I love how resourceful you are,  
love. Especially with Kol. None  
but I have been able to best him.  
It's extremely arousing. ;)  
**7:17pm**

**Stefan said:  
**You already knew I'm not you're  
average leggy blonde mean girl, Klaus. ;)  
**7:17pm**

**Klaus said:  
**I knew, yes. Doesn't mean I don't  
enjoy being reminded now and then. ;)  
**7:19pm**

**Stefan said:  
**I would say I learned it from you,  
but we both know you can't make  
me do anything.  
**7:20pm**

**Klaus said:  
**On the contrary, you'll find I can be  
very persuasive when I want to.  
**7:20pm**

**Stefan said:  
**You always want to.  
**7:21pm**

**Klaus said:  
**I want what I want.  
**7:21pm**

**Stefan said:  
**And seeing as that's me,  
I have the power here when  
I say 'I'm busy'  
**7:23pm**

**Klaus said:  
**If that's what you want to believe  
**7:23pm**

**Stefan said:  
**Oh my opinion has nothing to  
do with this – I can however  
withhold myself from you, unless  
you plan to rape me. And all  
evidence points to the contrary.  
**7:24pm**

**Klaus said:  
**That's cute, love. You think  
you can outlast me?  
**7:25pm**

**Stefan said:  
**[PIC – Caroline bent over in red bikini]  
I'm pretty confident in  
myself actually ;) ;)  
**7:26pm**

**Klaus said:  
**That's cruel, love.  
**7:27pm**

**Stefan said:  
**[PIC – Caroline in sexy pose]  
Want some more?  
**7:28pm**

**Klaus said:  
**[PIC – zoomed in picture of lips]  
You know you'd miss the soft  
brush of these over every inch  
of your body... ;)  
**7:29pm  
**Particularly that one spot...  
**7:29pm  
**That makes your entire body  
buckle and cover with goosebumps...  
**7:29pm**

**Stefan said:  
**Two can play that game.  
**7:31pm  
**[PIC – Caroline biting her lip]  
Biting my lip thinking about you.  
Don't you maybe wish it was you? ;)  
**7:31pm**

**Klaus said:  
**Not as much as you wish it were...  
**7:32pm**

**Stefan said:  
**[PIC – Caroline in bra]  
Can you guess where I want em?  
**7:33pm**

**Klaus said:  
**I can think of a few places.  
**7:33pm**

**Stefan said:  
**I can keep going.  
Don't underestimate me.  
**7:34pm**

**I said:  
**I'm just sitting here.  
An innocent victim.  
**7:34pm**

**Stefan said:  
**[PIC – zoomed in shot of her cleavage]  
[PIC – zoomed in shot of her ass in bikni]  
**7:35pm**

**Klaus said:  
**I know you think you're winning,  
but I assure you I'm feeling very  
victorious right now...  
**7:36pm**

**Stefan said:  
**Victorious enough to come over  
and show me? ;) You know how  
I understand better with visuals.  
**7:37pm**

**Klaus said:  
**Is that you caving first? ;)  
**7:37pm**

**Stefan said:  
**I'm offering. I'm not asking you to  
do anything. And I'm not making the  
first move. But you sure want to...don't you?  
Or maybe you just want to stay celibate.  
You know I could always ask Kol for help  
with any needs I have. I'm sure he'd be  
more than willing.  
**7:39pm**

**Klaus said:  
**Oh I'm ready to volunteer anytime, darling!  
Just say the word! ;D  
**7:39pm  
**….oops.  
**7:40pm**

**Stefan said:  
**Kol! Give the phone BACK to Klaus  
or I am coming over there myself to hit  
your dick with a hammer!  
**7:41pm  
**All of that was PRIVATE you complete ASS!  
**7:41pm**

**Klaus said:  
**lol You're confused sweetheart.  
See, Nik never had the phone. He's  
been out for hours and conveniently  
left his cell at home. It's really his  
own irresponsibility that caused this.  
**7:42pm  
**But I must say you are quite the little  
temptress with your sexting ;)  
**7:42pm  
**Also – nice bikini. ;) ;)  
**7:42pm**

**Stefan said:  
**OH MY FUCKING GOD!  
**7:45pm**


End file.
